Fade to White

Outside my window the wind is howling and the snow is swirling so thick that I can barely see the house across the street. Ordinarily, I love a good blizzard. But not when I'm expecting 25 people for a New Year's Eve bash that's been in the works for 2 months. Timing.

This is actually a perfect cap to a year of swirling craziness. Reflecting back, there were some great times. Skiing as a family in February and March. Cuttyhunk. Pete's promotion. Another prosperous year for Nuka. A great new nanny. Many new friends. But there was also a whole lot of churn and anxiety.

I've been struggling with the holiday blues, with the dark feelings that creep in, especially this time of year. I recognize that there is an element of choice to my moods - sulking is a choice, fear is a choice, anger is a choice. So my challenge to myself for the New Year is to make better choices about how to handle the inevitable stressors - to focus on the bright, shiny moments and let go of the dark, angry ones. Let the swirling snow pile up where it will, and appreciate that I am safe and warm. And most of all, remember that I already have everything I need to let in the light. It is simply a matter of choice.

Believe

I'm feeling particularly dull this holiday season.  I've gone through all the motions, but I can't quite get in touch with the joy.  I think this is fairly common, especially among over-achieving moms of young children who literally spend every spare moment from Thanksgiving to Dec 24th making lists, baking, shopping, decorating, hiding, wrapping, menu planning, shopping for things we forget, making new lists, wrapping some more, and constantly anxious that we've forgotten that one critical piece and that our oversight will ultimately send the entire house of holiday cards crashing down.

I sat through Sofia's adorable preschool holiday play totally dry-eyed.  Typically I am a weepy mess.  Ditto for flying santa, for the 12 days of christmas sing-a-long at the neighborhood holiday party.  Usually I am a sentimental wreck, but this year I feel like I'm in a bubble, watching the whole thing unfold through a dirty window.  

I'm not typically one to succumb to the holiday blues, but this year they've gripped me.  So, if you happen to run into Clarence the Angel or Buddy the Elf, or even Bad Santa...could you send them my way?